r ^ (3 o ^ 
.Z^Gc339 



A FARCIAL ROMANCE. 



Price, 15 cents. 



2 Cases of 

NOTIONS 




>J«<S;Safe-x»:J 



CHICAGO: 

WELLS n. sr/ER. PUBLISHER, 

I.S86. 



Copyright, 1886. by Itae, Kitchell & Shaw, attorneys for the author. 
All rights reserved, including stage adaptation and representation. 



n 



2C 



ASES OF 




^"i?? 



CHICAGO: 

WELLS B. SIZER, PUBLISHER, 
1886. 



CopjTight, 1886, by Rae,. KitcheU & Shaw, attorneys for the author. 
Ail nghts reserved, including stage adaptation and representatioTi. 



A 






CHARACTERS. 

Georgia. — One of the daughters. 
MiNNE SoTA. — Ditto. — A type. 
Miss Ouri. — Who has been abroad. 
The Baroness Nevada. — A. Widotv. 
Delaware. — A social difloniatist . 
Phil. A. Delphia. — Assistant ditto. 
H erm AN. — Dele-ware' s Coachman. 
N. Y. Blank. — A society man. 

The first case: — American notions. 
The second case: — European notions. 



TMP92-009309 



TWO CASES OF NOTIONS 

CONSIGNED TO 

Uncle Sam's Daughter: 



SCENE. — Delaware's Library, 
[Delaivare reading netvspafer. — Enter Minne Sota -with a hook?\ 

Minne. — Another romance ! 

Delaivare. — [Supposing that she refers to the booh]. Well, 
how does the hero come out this time? Does he clasp to his 
manly bosom one of your own country women, or a relation of 
my friend John? 

Minne. — There is no hero. 

Delaware. — A romance without a hero ! — That's a relief. 

Minne. — And no heroine. 

Delaware. — Any villian? 

Minne. — Not exactly. 

Delaware. — Somebody who does something he ought not 
to do? 

Minne. — All men do that. 

Delaivare. — They do, eh? How about the women? 

Minne. — [Evading the question\ You have not asked where 
the scene is laid. 

Delaivare. — That is understood It will shift between Lon- 
don and Paris, and possibly get as far as St. Petersburg. 

Minne. — It is in America and the characters are American. 

Delaware.— K^2\\j characters? I thought that character had 
gone out of fashion. 

Minne. — You are severe, it is fashion which must go out of 
character. In this romance one of the daughters turns from 



the hot house of refined society to the romantic ruggedness of 
her fathers coachman. 

Delaware. — What does the father do? 
Minne. — Guess. 
Delaware. — Uses tjrany instead of diplomacy? 

Minne. — Then you think that diplomacy would win her back. 
I agree with you. Try it. [ WhisperitigJ Herman has won 
Georgia. — Hush. 

Delatvare. — Are you sure'^. 
Minne. — Positive. 

Delaware. — Then send him to me. [Exit Minne]. 
When Herman had obeyed the summons he found Dela- 
ware apparently absorbed in the newspaper. 
Herman. — You sent for me, sir, 
Delaware. — Tell me something that I don't know. 
[Delaware has not raised his eyes from the newspaper ;uid 
the silence which follows his gruff remark causes Herman 
to be nervous.] 
Herman. — I — I'm — afraid that — 
Delaware. — You have reason to be. 
Herjnan. — [Apprehensively] Sir .f* 

Delaware. — Sir ! [giving the paper a slap] you have dared ! — 
[crumpling the paper] you have presumed! — [flinging the 
paper aside] you have schemed ! — [wheeling around and facing 
him] to win my daughter. 

[Tableau. Herman falls back into a chair., aghast. Dela- 
ware advances., threateningly.] 
Delaware — Oh! I could strangle you! — but — I will kill you 
by inches. [Herman slides from the chair., cowering.] You 
have violated the social law of caste! — You must take the 
consequences! — She is — yours. 

[Herman still in cowering attitude on floor, falls back on his 

elbow, staring in astonishment.] 
Delaware. — Get up ! [Herman rises in precipitation. "] Get out ! 
[Exit Hertnan. Delaware opefis another door diud calls :'\ Phil. 
[Enter Phil A. Delphia.'] Look out and see if that fellow has 
gone. 

Phil, — [Having done so.] He's gone. 



— 5— 

Delaware. — Keep jour eje on the stables; he must not 
escape. 

Phil. — Detection. Otherwise if he wants to go so much the 
better. 

Delaware. — For him. Don vou see that would amount to 
the same as if I had discharged him.? To discharge him would 
be to find that mj daughter had gone off too. 
Phil. — How are jou going to avoid an explosion, 
Delaware. — The match is not struck jet, — dampen the end. 
I'll treat him as one of the familj. He is no longer the coach- 
man. I'll make him dje his hair, shave off that fascinating 
moustache, then he will not be recognized as having been the 
coachman. He shall move in societj. Yes, jou'll see how he 
will move. There is one trait that I depend upon more than 
anything, that one trait that makes all ridiculous, and, of some, 
fools, — vsix\\ij. 

Phil. — ^Just so. Glad jou've decided to make him shave off 
the moustache. [Stroking- his oxvn complacently?^ 
Delaware. — You must help me. 
Phil.—^\\2iVQ him } 

Delaware. — Of his hopes. But we must let them grow first. 
[Georgia and N. Y. Blank appear at the garden gate. He 
raises his hat and departs. She comes up the garden and 
enters by window opening on to lawn.] 
Georgia. — O dear!— He makes me tired. 
Delaware. — How's that.? 

Georgia.— ^q\\^ if jou don't understand, I can't explain. 
Phil. — I wish I were a woman. 
Georgia. -—Why ? 

Phil. — Because I would be possessed of that inestimable at- 
tribute—intuition, and not be compelled to depend upon halt- 
ing reason. 

Delaware. — There's more in Mr. B. than appears. 
Georgia. — What appeal's is verj limited. 

Delaware. — The best things in nature lie beneath the sur- 
face. 

Georgia. — That must be the reason whj so manj bore. 



Phil. — bhe doesn't svispect your discovery of her little ro- 
mance? 

Delaware. — Not my discovery. Minne put me on the track. 
Bright, shrewd Minne Sota. She's a typical American girl. 

Phil. — Georgia — 

Delaware. — A different disposition. There's much to dis- 
cover in Georgia. 

Phil. — When Avill you intimate to her the latest discovery } 

Delaware. — Immediately. My policy is to make things 
right themselves. [Goino-.'j Keep your eye on the coach- 
man. 

Phil. — You may depend on me. [Exeunt i?i op;posite direc- 
tions^ 



II. 

SCENE. — A Gentleman's Dressing Room. 
{Delaware strafing razor. — Enter Phil. A. Delphia.^ 

Phil. — Going to shave him yourself.? — Is it not a little be- 
neath your dignity .? 

Delaware. — The w^hole matter is beneath my dignity, but 
dignity and diplomacy do not always go hand in hand. 

Phil. — {Looking out ofzuitidozu.^ The object of your affec- 
tion approaches. Does he know his fate .? 

Delaware. — He is resigned. Reason: no shave, no bargain. 

Phil. — Is he as sure of the bargain as the shave .'' 

Delaware. — He thinks he is. 

Phil. — Ah, "he thinks he is." A comprehensive phrase ap- 
plying to many a man ! [Exit into ante-room.'] 

Delaware. — ^Just so. Herman thinks he is an actor. So I 
shall give him a chance at our club, {chuckling] I have told 
him that shaving is necessary in order to " make up " ; — so it 
will be, — enough to live on! {Enter Herman by door from 
hall.] There's a nice easy chair, make yourself at home. 
[Herman hesitates and looks as if he tvould very much like to es- 



J 



— 7- 

cc/_pe.] O, you needn't be afraid. I learned the trade long ago. 
Will you be seated ? [Herman still hesitates.'] Allow me to 
assist you. 

[Delaware, with an air of mock politeness, gently, yet firm- 
ly, takes one end of Herman's moustache between his 
lingers, with which action he draws him to the chair and 
then presses him into it.] 
Herman. — [^45 Delaxvare lathers the brush. To himself., aud- 
ibly., tvith a sigh.] I wonder how I shall look. 

Delaware. — The same way you did before, — with your eyes. 
[Lathers him. Shaving- progresses till one side of the moustache 
is of. 

Georgia. — [Outside^ calling-] Papa. 

[Delaware stops abrvxptly ; Herman springs from the chair. — 

Both in consternation.] 
Georgia. — [Still outside.] May I come in ? 
[Delaware, with a flash of thought, slaps the palm of his 
hand on the top of Herman's head, forcing him instanta- 
neously into a squating position on the floor ; at the same 
time turning the arm-chair forward over Herman, so 
that the top of its back touches thefioor; Herman doubled 
Lip between the back and the seat, his knees touching 
his chin.] 

[Enter Georgia.] 
[Delaware coolly sits on the reversed side of the seat.] 
Georgia. — Why papa! what are you doing.? 
Delaware. — Been fixing something in this chair. Want any- 
thing particular.? 

Georgia. — [Approaching the mirror]. I'm just going out. 
Want to set my hat right, without going up stairs. [She ar- 
ranges her toilet before the mirror]. 

Delaxvare. — [Still retai?iing seat.] Have you lost anything.? 

Georgia. — No ! — why .? 

Delaware. — Lost, strayed, or stolen, — a woman's heart. 

Georgia. — What ! 

Delaware. — Found, — that the best way is to let it go. 

Georgia. — Papa! what are you talking about.? 

Delaware. — You, — Last act: All discovered; old man con- 



sents. [Georgia shows symptoms of sivooning. Delaware still 
retains seat]. There's no time for you to faint, Georgia, 
I'm too busy to-day. If you think that I'm going to make a 
romantic drama of this business you'll be mistaken. I've done 
all I can to prepare your mind and heart to take the best pos- 
sible view of life. I must treat you as a woman now. When 
a woman has made up her mind the sooner a man makes up 
his the better. I insist upon one thing only, — become thor- 
oughly acquainted with him. 

Georgia. — Acquainted! — I know his nature by heart. 

Delaware. — Put " I think " before that sentence. We never 
thoroughly know ourselves; how then, can we presume to 
positively know others.^ It is true Americanism to accept a man 
solely on his merits as a man ; but not to accept him without a 
trial. It is an American theory that all men are on the same 
level. That is not so. They start on the same level. As 
they rise above or fall below that we assign them to the 
class to which they belong. Geoi-gia, I will act as an Ameri- 
can should. A month's trial, he residing with us, starting on 
the same level. I shall contrive all possible opportunities for 
you to study each other's perfections and imperfections. That 
is a fair trial. At the end of that time you shall pronounce 
the verdict. 

Georgia. — [Gleelftilly throwing her arms around his neck]. 
Agreed ! [Kisses him and darts from the room.] 

Delaware — [Rising and going to door J. " Woman ! woman ! 
woman! thy name is" — mystery. [Turns the key.] 

[Delaware turns the chair back into its proper position. Her- 
man is so cramped that he cannot move and sits still 
doubled up, his knees touching his chin, looking up at 
Delaware pathetically.] 

Delaware. — [Leaning over the back of the chair and extending 
a hand to him]. The man who can accommodate himself 
to circumstances as well as that deserves to rise. [Herman 
rises]. 

The shaving is completed. The details of his wardrobe and 
all particulars arranged for. He is given a place in the 
family and starts upon the same level. 



— 9- 



III. 
SCENE. — Parlor at Delaware's. 

[Georgia reclining in easy chair ^ pettishly fanning herself. — 
Minne Sota reading a society journal^ xvhich appears to amuse 
her.] 

Georgia. — Really, Minne, I believe that you were born 
laughing. 

Minne. — Possibly, — at incongruities. 

Georgia. — For instance .'* 

Minne. — The world and one's self. 

Georgia. — How incongruous .' 

Minne. — The fact that we were made for this world, and the 
fancy, that we never entirely get rid of, that the world was 
made for us. 

Georgia. — \After a paicse?[ When you have quite finished 
with that paper let me know. 

Minne. — Here is something which will interest you. — 

[Reads] In connection with the performance by the Delaware 
club a remarkable innovation occured. In the second 
scene of the fourth act, lago, having spoken the line 
" How now Roderigo.?" — which is Roderigo's cue for the 
second act also, — the gentleman who played Roderigo, 
confusing his lines in the second act with those in the 
fourth, entered, excitedlj^ exclaiming "I am like a hound 
that follows in the chase !" 

This gentleman, who is very tall, wore tights that hightened 
that impression. The curls of his wig hung in unseemly 
length, and when he strode in they shook ludicrously. 
With such a "make up" and embarrassed by having made a 
wrong entry, together with the promptness with Avhich he 
realized the situation, causing him to make an awkward 
turn and exit, while yet speaking the line, was absurdly 



—10- 

comical. The line so out of place became so singularly 
appropriate that the audience could not forbear the laugh 
which it excited. 

[Minne lays the fafer in Georgia! s lap and turns to leave the 
room.] 

Georgia. — \Piqued!\ What did they say about your Emila? 
That it was very suggestive? 

Minne. — Of what it might have been. {Laughing Exits. 
Enter Herman -with a dook.] 

Herman. — \pisco7isolately\ Georgia. 

Georgia. — Well } 

Herman. — It is not well. 

Georgia.^Drop Shakespeare! '[He lets the book fall.] — 
What are you doing.'' 

Herman. — Learning to obey you. 

Georgia. — [Laughing derisively.'] "How now, R.oderigo.''" — 
Making yourself a butt of ridicule ! 

Herman. — For you to stick pins into. 

Georgia. — If it wasn't for your insufferable vanity — 

Herman. — And your unreasonableness — 

Georgia. — There might be some hope of your redeeming 
yourself, but — 

Herman. — Since you will not listen to me — 

Georgia. — I am forced to the conclusion — 

Herman. — Then stop ! [Enter Minne Sota. — Herman retires. 
— Enter Servant 'with visiting cards]. 

Georgia. — [After glancing at the cards hands them to Minne!) 
— Minne, you receive them. [Exit. — Herman., castifig a glance 
of morti^cation after her exits the opposite way.] 

Minne. — [To servant] I will receive them here, — [Exit Ser- 
ant. — Minne sits at piano and plays a ferv bars of '■'■Home., Siveet 
Ho/ne!'' — Servant ushers in Miss Ouri and N. T.Blanh.] 

Miss Ouri. — Ah, Minne, [greeting her as she rises from th 
piano] it's all very well, but I'm not so sure that "there's no 
place like home." 

Minne. — You surely don't mean that! — But there's no wel- 
come like the home welcome, is there.? [Kisses her] How do 
you do, Mr. Blank.? 



—11— 

Mr. B. — Pretty well, thanks, — or I should say "well." It is 
you who are looking /r<'/zfy well. 

Minne. — [Smiling^ ivitk a little boiv ackncnvledges the compli- 
ment^ Of course you enjoyed yourself in Paris .'' 

Mr. B. — Ah, in France you get the real champagne of life. 

Miss Ouri. — In England double X stout. 

Minne. — In America — both. 

Miss Ouri. — But you are expected to take them at the table 
d'hote. 

Minne.— SSl^W } 

Miss Ouri. — It is not very secluded. 

Mr. B. — American society, as a rule, is not secluded. 

Minne. — By seclusion you mean exclusion.'' 

Mr. B. — To a certain extent. 

Minne. — A boundary where the latter crosses the line, wrap- 
ped in a cloak that hides many a blemish. 

Miss Ouri. — You do not see the advantages of exclusion. 

Minne. — I deplore the lack of it, — even in European society. 

Miss Ouri. — Pray drop your innuendos. — See my diary. 

Minne. — \Glancing through ?/.] Well, what have you seen.? 

Miss Ouri. — Everything. 

Alinne. — Indeed! — Have you seen America.'' 

Miss Ouri. — You ask me, an American, if I have seen 
America! 

Minne. — If you were not American my question would not 
have the same meaning. — But proceed. What does the "every- 
thing" consist of.'' 

Miss Ouri. — First, — art. 

Minne. — Art, I am told, is peculiarly European, 

Miss Ouri. — If not, why do we send our students there .'' 

Minne. — To study from the great masters.? They are dead. 
Their works.'' Those are here. For what then.'* Scenerj'.? 
The grandure of our scenery challenges art, why not artists.? 

\lle-e7iter Herman., absent mindedly. Recalled by the j^resence 
of the visitors he stops atuktvardly and is about to exit.] 

Minne. — [With mischief lurking laughingly in her eye.] — 
Don't go, Mr. Herman. — Allow me to introduce Mr. Herman, 
— Miss Ouri, — Mr. Blank. 



—12— 

[They bow. — Herman in attempting to do so stumbles against 
an ottoman behind him and unexpectedly finds himself seated ^^ 

Minrie. — We have been discussing art, Mr. Herman. Mv 
friends have just returned from Europe. — Mr. Herman is an 
artist. 

Mr. B. — In vv^hat, may I ask.^ 

Minne. — In embrjo. 

Herman. — [confused] I am afraid — 

Mr. B. — Mr. Herman, permit me to say that fear is not an 
American characteristic. 

[Enter Georgia^ — seeing Herman .^ stops concealed in the por- 
tiere.] 

Minne. — [Archly] Mr. Herman is not afraid in the sense 
that you imply, on the contrary he despises criticism. 

Mr. B. — [Looking out of the tvindo7u.'] Ah, I see, misan- 
thropic. 

Herman. — [To Minne, folloiving the direction of his look.] 
Miss Ann Thropic.'' — Who is she.'' 

[Miss Ouri turns aside to conceal her smile. — Mr. Blank hides 
a contemptuous smile. Enter Delatuare.] 

Minne. — [Supressing her amuseynent. — Aside to Herman :] — 
You have made a break. 

Herman. — {After looking around in consternation, — Innocent- 
ly). Where.? 

Minne. — {Aside to him impatiently). Go away. 

As Delavi'are advances to greet Miss Ouri and Mr. Blank, 
Herman, nudged by Minne, makes his escape, unnoticed 
by them. As he is about to exit by lawn Phil A. Delphia 
appears, shakes hands with him and they exeunt together. 

Georgia had seen and felt it all, — Minne's amusement. 
Miss Ouri's disdain, Mr. Blank's contempt; and she knew 
that that phrase would make Herman the laughing stock 
of the fashionable clubs which Mr. Blank graced with his 
presence. 



—13— 

Love that is guaranteed to wear must be linked with respect. 

The man who is heroic can always win a woman's love ; the 
man who is romantic can often do likewise ; the man who 
is sensible can generally retain it; but the man who is 
stupid, — though he won it by being romantic, — must lose it. 

Minne Sota took Miss Ouri and Mr. Blank to what she was 
pleased to call her observatory, where they could see how 
St. Anthony fed a large portion of the world. She thought 
that perhaps it might have a good effect upon their trans- 
atlantic notions. But, just then, Minne Sota's heart was 
touched more with sisterly sympathy than with American 
pride, and she said to herself " Who is misantrophic,'' I 
think it is Georgia." 



IV. 

The following conversation takes place after Phil A. Delfhia 
and Herman have left the grounds. 

Phil.— Yo\x do not remember having seen me before we 
were introduced to-day } 

Herman. — No, have I.-* 

Phil— I believe not. Although I have seen you, heard of 
you too, — from the ladies. 

Herman. — From the ladies.? 

PM.— I interest you.? Yes, passed you in the park, ladies 
with me have asked "Who is that handsome gentleman.?" I 
confess that I became almost jealous when the Baroness — 

Herman.— i:\iQ Baroness.? — Did you say "Baroness".? 

PM.— The Baroness Nevada. 

Herman. — Ne — Ne-va-da. 

Phil.—\Artfully\ If I wasn't engaged the Baroness would 
just suit me. 

Herman. — Suit you f 



—14- 

PM.—Why not? — O, I see, you think that she might just 
about suit jou ? 

Herman. — {Nervotisly?) Me! — why you see — well, you 
know — 

P/^;7._What? 

Hermaji. — (Evasively.) Nothing. 

Phil.—Thdink you. 

Herman. — What for } 

Phil. — The compliment. 

Phil. — [After a fause., in vjhich Herman appears loieasy.] 
I will introduce you if you like. 

Herman. — If I like! — why, you know — my dear fellow, you 
know — [Suddenly stopping himself turns atvay. — Aside.] He 
don't know anything about it. 

PM.—Well", shall I .? 

Herman. — [To himself] Why not? 

PM.— Why not? 

Herman. — You seemed to think that she might just about 
suit — you. 

Phil. — I've gone too far in another^direction. 

Herman. — (Aside) So have I, — I'm afraid. — Yet you are 
only engaged. You might — you might — escape? 

Phil. — No hope. 

Herman. — But if — if you thought that you could do better — 

Phil.-— I might. 

Herman. — Then ? 

Phil. — I don't, — make yourself easy. I'm content with my 
bonds; although those of the Baroness are worth considerable 
interest. 

Herman. — Ah, — have you — hem — have you — any idea — 

P;^//.— Several. 

Herman. — I mean — how much — 

Phil. — She is worth? Well, in round figures, about — twen- 
ty-five thousand. 

Herman. — Twenty-five thousand! 

Phil. — Shall I introduce you? 

Herman. — Well — yes. 



—15- 



V. 

SCENE: — Parlor in the Residence of The Baroness. 
TIME : — A FEW days later. 

[ The Baroness and Herman tete a tete.] 

Herman. — If I might hope — 

Barotiess. — {Laconically^ You may. 

Herman. — If I might dare to ask — 

Baroness. — There is nothing to prevent asking. 

Herman. — Ah, Baroness, you have led me on! 

Baroness. — I beg your pardon.'' 

Herman. — O, I forgive. 

Baroness. — Indeed } 

Herman. — Ah Baroness, you have no idea — 

Baroness. — Sir .'' 

Herman. — I mean you cannot imagine — 

Baroness. — O j-^es, I can. 

Herman. — Then you must have seen — 

Baroness. — A great many things. 

Herman. — That must have led you to believe — 

Baroness. — On the contrary they have led me to douht. 

Herman. — What .'' 

Baroness. — Man's sincerity. 

Herman. — All men are not the same. 

Baroness. — I shovild hope not. 

Herman. — Man is what woman makes him. 

Baroness. — {Dryly.) Sometimes. 

Herman. — {Taking her hand.) Ah, Baroness, will you not — 
will you not — 

Baroness. — Be the making of you.'* I must consult my 
banker. 

{Enter Georgia and Delaware unnoticed^ 

Herman. — Your banker.'' 

Baroness. — Ife is my confident in all speculations. 



-16— 

Herman. — Then you consider love a speculation ! 

Baroness. — Love ? 

Herman. — {Kneeling to her.) Ah, Baroness — 

Georgia. — What does this mean ? — ! {Herman still kneeling^ 
falls back., leaving elboiv onjloor^ staring in consternation^ 

The Baroness. — {After he has recovered and risen) Mr. Her- 
man, I told you that I had seen many things that had led me 
to doubt man's sincerity. I have secured another proof. Not 
for myself, but for her who needed wakening from blind infat- 
uation. Although a farce, it proves to her that you believed 
it serious. I am simply Mrs. Nevada. I have been actitig — 
for the benefit of my sister. 

Delaivare. — {To Georgia) I knew that love was blind-folded 
but not blind. I have torn away the bandage, not as a tyrant 
but as a diplomatist. I have done what I have done not from 
pride but for love. I was willing to accept him, as I would 
any man, solely on his merits. 

The trial of which I spoke, when I broached this matter, 
now has passed. As I told you then you shall pronounce the 
verdict. 

{A long pause. — Georgia, having calmed herself advances to 
Herman. Pausing a few paces from him she relentlessly 
points to the door. Herman kneels to her. 

Georgia. — Go. 

Delaware. — I give you exactly one minute to leave our 
presence Jorever. { Takes out his tvatch). 

Herman. — One word. 

Delaivare. — Not one. [Takes up his walking stick threaten- 
ingly]. 



The minute has gone, so has Herman. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRE<i<; 

iRil 



